


But I Can't Have You

by charmainders



Series: GotG || Peter & Gamora [5]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Songfic, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 15:00:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14896754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmainders/pseuds/charmainders
Summary: A developing relationship that feels like a constant train wreck, with nowhere to go, they're essentially stuck in a ditch. None of them have spoken about their feelings, but he gets the feeling that they will have to soon. It's really just a matter of when that happens, and how it happens.Whether it ends in a rift between them or them growing closer, he's unsure how to even begin.





	But I Can't Have You

_why don't we rewrite the stars? // no one can rewrite the stars._

He knows very well that somewhere inside, he's willing to try and give everything in his life to her. His devotion, his passion, everything and absolutely anything, as long as it was within his means of giving it to her. But now, he's watching Gamora with nothing but uncertainty in his eyes, unsure if he'll be able to give her everything she needs from him. He loves her with all his heart, god he does - he's been this way since the first day they've met, but now, watching her as her eyes showed barely any emotion, yet glossy with tears, he has no idea where to begin after their conversation turned argument.

_"I don't even know if I'll be able to give myself to you!"_

"But I know you will be able to, one day. . ." He mumbles under his breath, his eyes still focused on Gamora from his own chair on the flight deck. He's sure that with enhanced hearing, Gamora would be able to hear what he just said. And he's right - the next thing he knows, she's turning her head to look at Peter. It's with this action that his heart just shatters into complete pieces, like a vase thrown onto the ground. Her head turns slowly, hesitant and almost in an unwilling manner. Even in the dim lighting of the ship, and of the light that glows in the distance from the nebulas, he can see the tear tracks that trace from her eyes to her chin. There's no sob, no cry. Just streaks of tears, which haven't seemed to stop since they last spoke in the midst of their argument. His heart aches. All he wants to do is move forward to hug her. Tell her it'll be okay. But all he does is continue to sit. He doesn't know what's best for them.

_say you were made to be mine. // how can you say you'll be mine?_

He knows that he loves Gamora. She does too. But sometimes, he questions if he'll be able to commit to getting her back on her feet and giving her everything she needs out of their relationship. It wasn't meant to be this difficult, he thinks briefly, but his thoughts are soon interrupted with a soft mutter, followed by static in his translator that doesn't make any sense to him. He knows she just said something, but his translator can't recognize anything she just muttered under her breath. He thinks it's probably her native language.

"I'm not sure if I was meant to hear that, but I-"

"I said that you are better off loving somebody else."

He bit his lip to refrain himself from completely raising his voice. He could really use some alcohol to drown all his problems out, like right about now. 

Instead, he doesn't lose sight of Gamora. "That's not true."

Gamora grits her teeth a little, fidgeting in her seat, unclasping her fingers from each other and tugging on her sleeves to cover her palms, in a way to distract her from crying. "You're telling yourself a lie, Peter Jason Quill. I'm complicated. I'm an assassin; we aren't supposed to love anyone for the rest of our lives as weapons. Yet here I am, falling for probably the galaxy's kindest and most compassionate soul, who would bother to look at me and love me, romantically and sexually. What do I have left to offer to you, Peter? I'm _nothing_ but dead-weight to you!" She practically shouts, "All I have is this cold heart of a being. Soon enough you'll stop and question yourself too, about why you even bother to try loving me, trust me Peter. I know how it feels. And I don't want you to experience that. At least, not with me."

_Nothing can keep us apart. // Everything keeps us apart._

It takes him a good minute to contemplate her words before he can muster a reply. "You know that's not true at all, Gamora. You know that I love you _more than anything._ "

"I love you too, Peter, I really do. But I just don't think advancing further than where we are now, with our unspoken thing being acknowledged, is good for either of us. Especially you. I don't mind losing you, at all, because I know that you deserve so much better than me. At least if someone else had you, I know it'll be easier for me to accept that they'll be easier to love than me."

"It sounds like you're saying goodbye. To everything. To us. _To me._ " He questions softly, unintentionally letting hurt lace his words, his throat constricting at his words.

Her tears come down again. It's so incredibly out of character for Gamora to be this vulnerable. His heart wrenches even more than it did the last time. Her hands are still fidgeting with her sleeves; her chin tilted down to avoid having to look at Peter. He knows it's a sign that she's uneasy, feeling out of place. He can't blame her at all.

The silence between them grows just a little bit more unbearable, the sound of nothing but metallic grinding noises can be heard from the mechanical parts that supports the ship. It's then that he notices she has her eyes on him, no longer playing with her sleeves. When he does fully focus his eyes on her, she mutters, "Maybe I am."

He turns his head away from her direction, and leans his head against the seat, closing his eyes, tears threatening to fall as his throat constricts even further, trying to think of something else to say. He's not willing to stop trying. But it feels like she is.

_'Cause you are the one I was meant to find. // 'Cause I'm not the one you were meant to find._

His mind is a mess. One half of him tells him to stop trying, because it's useless, even if he gave more than a hundred percent. The other half is screaming for him to get up and actually do something about it. His head is pounding, he can't hear his own voice in the drowning sea of his thoughts. Peter's confused. For the first time in his life after so long, he's confused. And it's because of Gamora. He wants to try for her, to show her that she's more than enough for him, more than enough for what he wants in a relationship. But he doesn't know where to start, or where it would constitute as pushing the boundaries for Gamora.

His attention snaps back to reality when he hears Gamora's boots click against the ground, signalling that she was about to leave the flight deck for her room. No, he couldn't pass up this chance anymore to show how much he wanted this. He lacked no time in getting up from his chair, and grabbing Gamora's wrist, before turning her around to face him. He knows he shouldn't be shocked by how incredibly vulnerable she looks, her eyes and cheeks wet with tears. It's not something she shows on the daily, but it's a terrible look on her. He hates this - he hates seeing Gamora sad like this. He's half ready to duck away and let go if she needed it, but she doesn't, instead standing there and looking up at Peter.

_it's up to you, and it's up to me, no one can say what we get to be. // it's not up to you, it's not up to me, when everyone tells us what we could be._  
_So why don't we rewrite the stars? Maybe the world can be ours, tonight. // How can we rewrite the stars? Say that the world can be ours, tonight._

His right hand finds a way, up her waist, with a delicate touch, and up to her face. He uses his finger to push any wet strand of hair away from her face, allowing the soft lighting to fall just gently onto the silver of her modification scars. His palm finally stops, just inches away from her face, silently seeking permission to touch her. When her eyes do the work and responds to him by looking at him in the eyes, he lets his warm palm rest on her cheek. Her skin is soft, delicate. Her eyes flutter close, unshed tears leaking, and leans into his gentle touch. The grip on her wrist is now gentler than before, allowing her to leave if she didn't want this at all. But yet here she stood, allowing him to continue. He takes a minute to observe her - the hairline that frames her sharp jawline and chin, yet her lips are quivering from all of the crying. When she does reopen her eyes, bit by bit, she looks anywhere else except his eyes.

"Look at me."

And she does.

_All I want is to fly, with you; all I want is to fall with you, so just give me all of you. It feels impossible, is it impossible? Say that it's possible._

His body goes into overdrive, leaning just a little more forward, till his lips are close enough to leave a tender kiss on her forehead. When he's ready, he parts his lips and leans back, watching her as she gives him a confused look. 

"Are you sure about this, Peter. . .?"

"I've been sure since day one, Gamora."

She doesn't hesitate to grip at his hands, guiding them to touch her waist, before she tiptoes; her lips soon come into contact with his.

Her lips are sweet like candy, and yet salty from the tears. They're slightly chapped, dry from the lack of hydration, but he doesn't mind. He loses himself for a moment, returning the same passion that Gamora's showing. They don't get any further than a passionate kiss, afraid to go any further than they were already at. His hands continue to rest on her waist, supporting her as she continues. The kiss soon ends with both of them gasping for air as their foreheads remain in contact on one another, panting as they made an attempt at regaining their composure.

"I'm a mess."

"You're my mess."

The chuckle that leaves her lips is the equivalent of honey to his ears. He loved Gamora's laugh; unlike the rest of the Guardians who had rugged laughter, hers was gentle, blissful, perhaps. Her laugh had the same effect as his music; it made the world seem just a tad brighter. 

"Gamora, as long as you're willing to try, I'm more than willing to try with you too."

Her eyes don't lose contact with his, contemplating his words for a moment, before she finds her way into his arms, and allowing herself to wrap her arms around him for warmth and perhaps some highly needed comfort. Peter returns the favour, tucking an arm around her waist and the other combing his fingers through her hair. 

"I'm not sure how long it would take, Peter."

"Like I said, I'm willing to wait."

"Are you sure you won't regret that?"

"I swear, _upon my mother._ "

There's nothing else to say, what's been needed to express has been expressed. Both of them stand there, Gamora in Peter's embrace as both of them watch the endless galaxy go by. His eyes don't leave the crown of her head, silently observing her again. He's happy that they've finally gotten stuff out of the way. Granted it'll still be a while before either of them can fully find ways to accommodate to each other's needs and being able to get her to open up fully to him, he's more than ready to take the journey and help her, while loving her with all that he can give. His heart swells when she reaches to her waist, grabbing Peter's hand and intertwining them with his own. That shows him that she's willing to try, too. 

"Are you tired?"

"Maybe."

"Come here." He untangles himself from the embrace, before going back to his seat, and then proceeding to pat his lap. Gamora walks over, adjusting herself so that she's curled just slightly to be able to fit her frame into the chair. His arm rests on her thigh, whilst the other holding her hand. Her head lay gently on his chest, right where she could hear his heartbeat if it was quiet enough.

She speaks after a moment. "You deserve more than I can give you."

"But I only want you. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to show you my love, even if it takes forever. I've lost people in my life, Gamora. I can't lose you either."

She doesn't have anything to say anymore; instead closing her eyes to get some rest before the morning cycle. He watches as she sleeps - she's finally stopped crying, her tears have stopped, and it seems she's quickly drifted to sleep. It's ironic that in the most vulnerable state, in which she could let her dreams and worst nightmares take over, that she seems the most peaceful and at ease. There's no crease on her forehead, there's no tears. Just a peacefully asleep Gamora. Taking a deep breath, he wraps his arm around her tiny frame, pulling her closer to him, and leaving another gentle kiss on the crown of her head. Silence falls upon them, except for the soft breathing noises from them both.

_. . .we're bound to break, and my hands are tied._

He knows he's willing to wait.

However long that takes.

**Author's Note:**

> Rewrite the Stars holds a significant meaning to me as a song - it's a symbol of the amount of emotion and love there is between a pair of lovers, who want nothing more than the freedom to actually show their love. And I relate this song to Gamora and Peter very much, because Gamora does seem like she'd take a while to open up to Peter, but Peter's okay with that as long as she tries. I hope I didn't break your hearts too much with the angst there, but it was great to finally produce this fic as a result of my obsession for the song. Leave comments! I'll read them!


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